If I Were Gay
by perionan
Summary: Teehee, a songfic. It's kinda slashy nothing bad. A one shot... Draco's stalking Harry and so Harry decides to get a little revenge.


Title: If I Were Gay  
  
Author: me  
  
Disclaimer: yeah, that's pretty much it. Also I don't own Stephen Lynch's If I Were Gay. Stephen does.  
  
Summary: Draco's been stalking Harry and Harry decides to get him back in a most interesting manner.  
  
Pairing: Sorta Harry/Draco nothing bad.  
  
It was the third time that week that Harry has caught Malfoy following him and staring at him. He just couldn't seem to shake the blond haired Slytherin no matter how hard he tried. He was starting to get a little bit irked with the idea that Malfoy was quickly becoming a stalker of sorts. He voiced his concerns to his two best friends, and while Hermione's response was long and difficult and involved the Dark Lord somehow, Ron's was much shorter and simpler.  
  
"He probably fancies boys and got his eye on you," his red headed friend suggested.  
  
Normally, Harry would brush such a response off as Ron being difficult and nasty toward their rival, but this time Harry took it rather seriously. If he really wanted to be truthful with himself he would say that Malfoy wasn't that bad looking. In fact he was down right sexy as all hell. So it was then that Harry decided he would pursue a relationship of sorts with Malfoy, but get him back for following and stalking him at the same time, cause you know, that's disturbing. A plan was formed, and Harry went to sleep with a big mischievous grin plastered on his face.  
  
The next day wasn't very eventful for Harry, though he did spot Malfoy hiding behind a pillar or some random statue whenever Harry turned around to see who was following him. Harry decided that he would in act his plan "Operation Piss Malfoy Off" tonight.  
  
Dinner that evening was quiet and peaceful, and Harry was beginning to rethink what he was about to do. He hadn't eaten very much during dinner and his stomach was doing flip flops. He was about to admit to something to the whole school, that he just realized about a month ago. He wasn't used to the idea and maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. /No. I have to. well I don't. but I really need to do this. Even to just get Malfoy off my back./ So with that thought, Harry grabbed his wand and whispered a spell that started up some soft music. The hall went immediately quiet, everyone trying to find out where the music was coming from. Harry then turned his wand into a microphone.  
  
"Hello Hogwarts. I hope you're all enjoying your dinner," said Harry, swallowing his nervousness and stepping onto the Gryffindor table. He saw out of the corner of his eye the headmaster stopping Professor McGonagall from taking any action against Harry. He silently thanked the old man.  
  
"You see I've been noticing a certain someone over the past week or so and I have decided to let them know I am not as stupid as they think." All the students' attention was on Harry at that moment, and a few snickers were heard throughout the hall. Ron and Hermione were trying to get Harry off the table.  
  
"It seems I have a stalker, and the only conclusion that I could think of for the sudden attention is that this person is obviously interested in me romantically." Harry saw Malfoy go pale at his table. His stare didn't waver from the Slytherin and eventually the whole student body and the professors were looking at blondey with a bit of surprise and shock written on their faces. "I would like to dedicate this song to Draco Malfoy."  
  
The attendants of the hall gasped and Malfoy sank into his chair trying to escape. The music got louder and the beat changed. It was slow and surprisingly pretty and Harry began to sing.  
  
" Here we are, dear old friend.  
  
You and I, drunk again.  
  
The laughs have been made,  
  
Tears have been shed.  
  
Maybe the whiskey's  
  
Gone to my head."  
  
To the surprise of the audience, Harry's voice was actually quite nice and Ron and Hermione stopped trying to get Harry to stop. This might actually be entertaining.  
  
The beat picked up a little.  
  
"But if I were gay,  
  
I would give you my heart.  
  
And if I were gay,  
  
You'd be my work of art.  
  
And if I were gay,  
  
We would swim in romance.  
  
But I'm not gay,  
  
So get your hand out of my pants."  
  
The crowd erupted into fits of laughter and, if it were possible, Malfoy went even paler.  
  
"It's not that I don't care,  
  
I do. I just don't see myself in you.  
  
Another time, another scene,  
  
I'd be right behind you,  
  
If you know what I mean."  
  
Here Harry winked to Draco and the pasty white was turned into tomato red so fast your head would spin. Harry started to really get into his song and he started dancing, earning cat calls and whistles. Harry could've sworn he saw Draco glare at them all.  
  
"Cause, if I were gay,  
  
I would give you my soul.  
  
And if I were gay,  
  
I would give you my hole. being." This earned giggles from Harry's audience.  
  
"And if I were gay,  
  
we would tear down the walls.  
  
But I'm not gay,  
  
So won't you stop cupping my ba. hand."  
  
The students' eyes nearly bugged out at this, and as Harry turned, he could see Professor McGonagall looking furious while Dumbledore laughed merrily. He smiled at this.  
  
"We've never hugged.  
  
We've never kissed.  
  
I've never been intimate,  
  
With your fist." more laughter  
  
"You have opened,  
  
brand new doors.  
  
Get over here and,  
  
Drop. Your. Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawers."  
  
The music died down and the roar of laughter from the students and faculty alike was deafening. McGonagall decided this was enough and pulled Harry off his "stage" dragging him out of the Great Hall. Before he was out the doors, Harry turned to see Draco looking thoroughly pissed, thoroughly embarrassed, and trying so hard not to smile at Harry, as the doors shut behind him.  
  
Fifty points were taken from Gryffindor and Harry earned a week of detention before the night was through, but Harry decided that it was worth it. He had fun and gave the school a bit of entertainment on an otherwise very dull evening. Also, Harry had a feeling that he won his ultimate prize.  
  
As he turned the corner on his way to the staircase that led to Gryffindor tower he saw Draco leaning against a wall in the corridor polishing his nails.  
  
"You'd think you would've learned your lesson Malfoy." Harry said walking right up to the blonde, sexy, Slytherin. Draco didn't bother to look up as he replied, "you didn't honestly think such an act would go unpunished, did you?" Harry shrugged his shoulders and smirked. At this Draco raised his head and Harry saw a glint of. something before the blonde said, "but first."  
  
/Hmm/ Harry thought as Draco's mouth covered his own in a fiery kiss, /definitely worth every point and detention./ 


End file.
